THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING TO MANY WHO VIEW IT. PLEASE PROCEED WITH CAUTION. PLEASE NOTE THAT I'M BELIEVED TO HAVE MDD, AND IF YOU'RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS, PLEASE, PLEASE GET HELP OR ASK SOMEONE TO HELP YOU. SEEK THERAPY OR COUNSELING, PLEASE.
Date: 03/2/2024 (4:37 AM)
Mood: numb
it happened
He broke up with me again. God, I would take him back at the slightest kind word. At any word.
We were talking and I got frustraited with him, and I shouldn't have. I should have just stayed calm, I should never have taken out my anger on him. I told him I didn't care about the fact that he was infodumping, and that I was okay with it, but he didn't believe me so I was stupid and snapped at him.
His instant reaction was to say that he couldn't take being with me anymore, and then he blocked me.
I wrote out a message to him about everything and begging and confusion and heartache it but I never ended up sending it because it must look so stupid and all it was going to do it make it worse, make me see me as weak. And so I deleted it.
it's been three days, and nothing.
Date: 01/29/2024 (10:24 AM)
Mood: stress
idk
Basically my fiance and I haven't talked really in the past three months, and the reason is because he's been rlly burnt out and I get that, yk? But then this past week, he's been unable to talk at all really. And then he tells me it's because of the fact that he can't feel empathy (which i knew about but I keep lying to myself about it too) and that he's been masking around me (and basically lying) when I feel sad or anything at all.
He doesn't care about my emotions or feelings. I feel like I'm completely alone all the time, sometimes even when I'm telling him my emotions and he's telling me comforting words, I know he's lying to me. He told me that the only reason he doesn't just ignore how I feel outright is because he doesn't want to have no one to talk to. He told me that the reason he even talks me through stuff is because he wants me to actually respond the 'right' way/the way he wants when he talks to me about something else later.
It really hurts, and because of how my life is and my mother and my childhood, I feel like no one will ever care about me. He's the only one I ever felt like actually cared and in december he told me about that and I didn't know what to do.
I wrote out a message to him about everything and even breaking up over it but I havent sent it because idk what to do and i'm so stressed and nervous about it but I really really don't want to break up with him because i love him so so so so so much and I feel like suffering and knowing he doesn't care but lies about it is better than being without him. i'm really strugging (i know that's weak as fuck but he's everything to me. He's literally perfect, he loves me and thinks about me and we've been nearly completely compatible and we have the same views on life and we like the same music and the same things but the only thing is the lack of empathy and him getting burnt out because of it.
idk what to do
Date: 01/28/2024 (11:19 AM)
Mood: very hurt
Thinking about it
I miss him so much. It's been awful.
I feel like we haven't even talked in so long, but before he at least would send me good morning and goodnight messages. But now theres just. nothing.
when one of my friends message me, I get scared/nervous/excited that maybe he feels better, maybe he'll talk with me again, we won't fight, we'll talk about whats to come, we'll be happy.
and it never is.
Date: 01/27/2024 (1:18 PM)
Mood: Sad
starting up again
I wish i could be better at what I do. Better at coding, making things look cute. Better at being a human.
My fiance was supposed to visit me for my birthday (in march). We'd had it planned for, at the very least, 7 months.
And now his mother won't let him because 'we don't have the money'.
And I don't know what to do. I can't stop shaking, I can't think. I haven't cried yet and I know that coming. That was the only thing keeping me hopeful, keeping me alive right now and...
We haven't been talking a lot for the past 3 months, it just keeps getting less and less and I don't know what to do anymore. He always tells me he thinks of me and loves me but I'm just so fucking scared he'll leave me again.
Date: 08/29/2023 (9:21 AM)
Mood: Mad and also depressed
I can't sleep
i really thought that me getting back with my boyfriend would like, help me mentally. It didn't. I'm fucking screwed.
I hate myself so fucking much.
Date: 08/16/2023 (2:03 PM)
Mood: tired
Hatred
It's been a few days of...feeling okay. I've felt fine. Me and Him were starting to talk like we used to. Everything was nice
and then yesterday he wasn't online at all. When he did finally come back, he said that he'd been out all day. I didn't ask where. Maybe I should have.
but the reason I bring this up is because between the sporadic messages of "i was out all day" and "I love you and miss you", he sent a picture to the friend group of a comic he bought yesterday.
And I know this sounds stupid, but why didn't he show me? Show it to me first? He used to, that's why I bring this up. He used to send pictures to me before showing the group.
it makes me remember that we're not together anymore.
I've been living in this false reality where we never broke up. We're still together, talking not as just friends.
He asked me to let him call me petnames again. I said yes, I wanted to hear it. But hearing "Sweetheart" from someone who still says he loves you, from someone who acts as if he's missed me-- hearing that and yet still knowing we're not together.
I fucking hate everything right now. I feel so tired and like shit. what's the point of this anymore?
I feel like a loser for not working on my fic, I feel like shit for updating this website with a vent like this after dipping for three days, after acting like I have shown progress. I fucking hate myself. I'm worthless.
I sent him a long vent of my feelings last night. Maybe I shouldn't have. He hasn't even read it yet.
I keep checking my messages but nothing. I miss him.
Date: 08/11/2023 (11:26 AM)
Mood: cold
Everything
I have no one. I want to die.
Date: 08/11/2023 (11:22 AM)
Mood: empty and cold
fuck
I feel sickened by myself and I feel like I've ruined another friendship. I hate everything right now
Date: 08/11/2023 (12:47 AM)
Mood: horrible
fuck
I just wrote out a message to Him on discord.
I told Him that I couldn't sleep, that I didn't feel well and I missed Him.
I deleted it.
I don't want to be more of a burden than I already was when we were together. He makes me so happy and all I did was make Him drained. I'm so sorry.
Date: 08/11/2023 (12:42 AM)
Mood: lost
pointless
Everything just feels hopeless. Like... what's the point in painting and drawing and stuff? I can't feel anything but fucking sorrow and what's the point of making anything if no one even fucking cares about it?
I know you don't care, you're probably looking at this because you saw 'vent' and went "oh I wanna see some mentally unwell shit tonight"
He was the only one who cared and He broke up with me. He doesn't care about my OCs. I hurt Him and then He broke up with me. Being 'happy' or 'free' was what caused this. there's no point in anything, there's no point in this stupid website, either.
I just want Him back. I want Him back so badly.
Date: 08/11/2023 (12:31 AM)
Mood: I miss him so much.
I don't know
I miss talking with you.
I miss getting notifications and seeing your name. I miss reading about whatever typology stuff I didn't understand, I miss getting mad at you because you refused to eat when you were sick and didn't feel like it.
I miss reading you infodump, I miss reading about your day.
I miss hearing about what you'd been up to, how you felt, good or bad.
I miss fighting with you, I miss telling you I love you, hearing it back when it made me happy instead of it making me sob each time. I've missed you for so long. It's been six days.
I miss saying "Goodnight, I love you"
I miss seeing your face, blurry or low quailty from your phone.
I miss you voice like a pit in my chest, a void like something cosmic and unknown.
And I don't know if you're mad at me for not working on the fic.
I will work on it eventually, I promise.
I miss writing and you reading it and saying things like "omg this is better/more exciting than a movie"
I miss knowing you loved me. I miss cuddling my plush frog and falling asleep, knowing one day soon I'd be able to hold you that way.
I miss being with you.
I miss being able to infodump to you and knowing you'd react the way I craved, I miss being excited to tell you about what I was doing.
I miss telling you about my OCs or whatever and you actually listening.
I hate everyone but you.
You were so perfect. You are.
You listened to me, you cared about me.
I feel like I ruined everything.
I feel like I could've done better, like I could've been better for you.
I miss you.
And I miss talking with you.
Some other venting stuff that you probably don't want to read.
Date: 08/8/2023 (12:07 AM)
Mood: Missing him.
ough
when it gets dark, when it gets late.
He'd always be online at around 10 PM, until maybe 4 AM
and we'd talk.
We would talk and it was always good. We'd watch a movie together or just... talk.
And I don't have that anymore. I really miss Him.
It's funny.
He changed His schedule for me. To be up during the day.
I suppose He isn't a early riser, though, huh? He broke up with me that morning.
Date: 08/7/2023 (10:57 PM)
Mood: it's all my fault
crying
EVERY SINGLE THING HAS BEEN MY FAULT. I WAS THE REASON HE BROKE UP WITH ME, I CAUSED EVERYTHING. WHY DID I DO THAT? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? WHY DIDN'T I JUST IGNORE WHEN HE WAS MEAN, OR IN A BAD MOOD? WHY DIDN'T I TRY TO COMFORT HIM BUT WHY DIDN'T I TRY TO IGNORE IT? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE? WHAT COULD i HAVE DONE BETTER? WHY DID HE LEAVE ME? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE LET HIM COME BACK TO ME. I WANT HIM BACK SO BADLY. I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I SHOULD HAVE LET HIM CALL ME. I SHOULD HAVE LET HIM BUT I LIED AND SAID I COULDN'T BECAUSE I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO. I LIED TO HIM AND NOW HE'S GONE. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHY. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH ME? WHY DID I LIE TO HIM? WHY DIDN'T I JUST GO IN THE OTHER ROOM AND CALL HIM? HE WANTED TO CALL SO BADLY. HE WANTED TO HEAR MY VOICE. HE SAID HE MISSED IT. WHY DID I IGNORE HIS FEELINGS? WHY? WHY DIDN'T I JUST CALL HIM? WE'D STILL BE TOGETHER IF I HAD CALLED HIM. IF I HADN'T MENTIONED MY HYPERFIXATION ON THE RIDDLER GOING AWAY. IF I HADN'T MENTIONED ANYTHING. WHY DIDN'T I JUST CALL HIM TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE? WHY? WHY DIDN'T I JUST LET HIM HEAR MY VOICE LIKE HE WANTED SO FUCKING BADLY. HE WAS BEGGING ME. HE WAS BEGGING ME AND I IGNORED HIM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. WHY AM I SO MEAN TO HIM WHY DID I DO THAT? I'M SO HORRIBLE. IM SO HORRIBLE. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I DON'T DESERVE HIM. I DON'T DESERVE HIM IF I'M GOING TO BE TREATING HIM LIKE THAT. IM SO SORRY. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. WHY DID I DO THAT? IM SO SORRY.
Date: 08/7/2023 (2:57 AM)
Mood: Weird
Aftermath
I messaged him, because I wasn't feeling well.
I sent him this, at 4:29 his time.
"Hey, um.
I know this is dumb and stupid and I'll regret it but you're usually awake right now and I. I really need you. I can't sleep, and it would help me if I had someone to talk to.
I'm really having not a good time right now because of the break up and I need to talk about it with someone, and. And I need my best friend.
I know that's stupid but you were my best friend. You've always been my best friend and I need you so badly, and I miss you so fucking much that it physically hurts me and I just. I really really need you right now.
I need someone to talk to, I need someone to cheer me up, I need you to comfort me.
And I promise I won't beg you to get back with me, and I know you know I'm sorry for anything I did that might've hurt you. And I promise, I won't embarrass you or be rude or react in a harsh way if you say something I dislike, but please.
Please, I need someone right now.
I need you."
I knew he'd be awake soon. But I didn't know if he'd care enough to read it.
I set a timer for myself. If we wasn't up and responding in 20 minutes, I'd apologise and move on.
At 4:48 he messaged me back.
He said "I'M HERE"
Just like that. Panicked, maybe?
I sobbed.
I was overjoyed. He cared enough to come to me and help me.
He said he's woken up four minutes ago.
He asked how he could help.
I said that I didn't know, that I just wanted to talk with him.
So we did.
He showed me some stuffed plush cat he bought me and amtching one for him so I could hold it the same time he was so they'd be connected.
I fell even more in love with him.
He let me name them.
We spoke of that for a while.
And then I mentioned a song I was listening to.
And he started ranting about how people are hypocrites when they mix that song with more popular ones.
I agreed and tried to change the subject, but he stayed on it.
So I nodded along with him and let him continue.
And then there was a pause.
And he told me he was leaving again.
And my heart sunk.
I just. stared at the screen. He was leaving? He just got here.
I wanted to beg with him to stay but I promised I wouldn't.
So I said okay. I said goodbye.
And then he told me he loved me.
He loves me.
And I couldn't take it, I started sobbing and I told him I loved him too, that I loved him so much.
And then he said bye.
and went offline.
And I don't know how to feel. I'm cold and numb. I'm tired, and shaking.
I don't know what to do or say.
I love him.
Date: 08/6/2023 (12:23 PM)
Mood: Cold
Aftermath
I still can't believe he broke up with me. I can't believe this. How? How could my life have gone this way? God, I feel terrible. Why would this happen?
We spoke again today, mainly about a movie we were excited to go watch together in October. He's obviously not gonna come and see me anymore. I know I'm gonna still go and watch the movie, but I'm going to be bawling the way there. We were supposed to dress up, too. Since it was October. We were gonna go to Spirit Halloween together, and he promised me he'd hold my hand bc I'm scared of animatronics.
This is horrible.
We talked and then he left. He said bye. I said it too.
and it's so horrible. I feel so so awful. He didn't tell me he loved me.
I didn't tell him either.
I wonder if he does, though. Does he still love me?
It's been, in a few minutes, a full 24 hours. So maybe. Idk anymore.
I miss him so much, I miss the way we were before this, before. I want to go back, please, please, please I want to go back.
I'd do anything just to hear him tell me he loved me again.
I want to die.
I feel so sick and tired without him. How am I supposed to wait through the rest of the year without him? I can't do this for much longer, I feel so empty without him.
Date: 08/5/2023 (5:18 PM)
Mood: Alone
We broke up.
I just got even fucking more bad news so yeah I feel horrible right now. I told him but he's asleep right now (it has to do with us, technically.) But I wanted to tell him about how much I needed him. How much I miss him already (I need to calm down, it's not even been a full day). How empty I feel knowing he isn't mine anymore. And I can't tell him that anymore. I would message him constantly and tell him before but... There's nothing I can do anymore. Funny. It was the reason he left me. He left me because I was too open, I vented too much. And now I have no one to vent to anymore. I have no one.
what am I supposed to do? Without him? I'm so fucking alone.
God I want to message him
I want to tell him: "I need you right now, please. Please. Please, I need you back. I need to tell you this, I'm in so much pain.
Please look at me. Please don't hate me, please love me. Please. Please. Please.
Love me. Look at me. Let me look into your eyes and love you. Let me live and know I made someone else happy.
Let me know my existence wasn't in vain. Let me hold you. Let me feel your warmth. Let me love you, let me love you.
Let me.
Sit me down and look at me on the bed.
Pet my hair, touch my face; please be on my side, whether I'm right or wrong.
Let me be yours. Love me. Give me what I've needed all my life and never was able to have.
Please.
I miss you so much
Date: 08/5/2023 (3:14 PM)
Mood: Shock
We broke up.
I'm honestly just still in shock that he's not my boyfriend anymore. I don't know what to do and I feel, like, empty? It's weird. It's just so fucking awful. I can't look through our old messages without breaking down crying. I feel literally awful and I have no one else. I really really feel like it was my fault, too.
He said that we were both too mentally unstable, but if I had not been annoying and venting to him constantly, then he'd still be with me.
he told me that he couldn't be with me anymore because I was too dependant on him, and I know I was. I know. And he said that his mental health just wasn't working since we got into the relationship. And I knew that. I was fucking killing him but I thought I was making him better.
I feel literally awful. I know it was my fault. He said we fought too much. He said that we can still be friends, but it hurts so fucking much to talk with him now. He's even still making me things, and he's going to send me a plushie and a braclet he made for me. And I'm still going to send him the things I bought for him. I still love him. He told me he still loves me, too.
This is just so fucked up. He made me so so so happy, when we weren't fighting. He would comfort me, he would tell me I was pretty, he made me feel worth something. He loved me and I feel like I ruined it all.
I'm still going to be making the shrine page about him/for him, because I still love him so fucking much. But it's not going to be the same anymore. It's so horrible. I feel so fucking horrible.
I feel even more hatred toward that couple in the friend group now. They're so happy together, and I just got fucking dumped. It's so horrible to see that. To see something that could have been you and it's not, to see it just out of reach.
he said we'd likely get back together, but in about a year
What am I supposed to do? How am I going to survive without him for an entire year? He was my soulmate, and now I have to wait even longer? I can't. I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't
I miss him so much already. I miss him so much.
Date: 08/5/2023 (12:37 PM)
Mood: I literally want to die, what do you mean MOOD?
We broke up.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to do anything. I don't know how to react. How could this have happened? He left me. I don't know what to do. I feel so empty. I love him so fucking much and he... he left me. He told me he still loved me but that we were too mentally unstable to be together. I love him. I love him. How could this happen? I feel so sick.
Date: 08/5/2023 (12:22 PM)
Mood: Oh god.
He left me.
He broke up with me.
Date: 08/3/2023 (11:36 PM)
Mood: Annoyed and Overwhelmed
Update
I haven't worked on the site today because I've beem working on sims 4 stuff to put on here so I don't release an empty page but honestly idk. I keep piling stuff on to do because I keep hoping it'll make me happy and it does for a bit but it never lasts.
I realised a bit ago that I'm going through the stages of grief.
I'm furious about everything now.
I miss him so fucking much. I was talking with a person from the friendgroup and they're just so fucking stupid. I genuinely don't like anyone but him. He's the only one I'm comfortable with, the only one I don't feel judged by. The only one I care about, the only one.
I need to speak with him and I miss him so fucking much.
It was made worse today when I was speaking with said person from the friendgroup on discord and I saw that his alter was online. I wanted to fucking die. I wanted to tear my skin off of my body only to sew it crudely back on. I wanted to feel pain to distract from my emotions. All I could do was stare at the stupid red dot under the profile picture. It infuriated me.
I have a system too, and I understand that alters need to be out and such and, for lack of a better word, "get a turn with the body" but I cannot help that I am so fucking sad and pissed off when I see that they are online and he is not.
everything is falling apart, I feel. I know I'm being dramatic, but God... I feel horrible all the time. I'm so fucking overwhelmed. It's horrible having ADHD and likly autism and probably MDD (i don't fucking know though) and everyone that looks at you thinks you're just typing away on ur computer or playing a game or sleeping. And I feel so fucking judged all the time because I'm just sitting.
Or at least that's what it feels like, or looks like. I hate it.
I want to go somewhere, I want to be away from everything but I can't.
this just makes me sound lazy.
Oh well I suppose. I'm so fucking overwhelmed.
I just really miss him and I have no one else to talk to. I wish it didn't come to this.
I have to go somewhere with my mother in the morning but I'm still up and longing to torture myself with sleep deprivation. I'll likely work on the site and actually be productive (even though it's just for nothing since I don't know any of you and no one I know will ever see this, I'll never recieve thanks or praise for working on this but okay. I'll still do it because?? why?? I don't know. I'm still doing it though. I'll ake the updates page and maybe the sims one idk anymore. Prolly tho
Date: 08/3/2023 (12:02 AM)
Mood: Goddamit Will Wood
sobbing
Well the song that's playing rn just made me fucking sob because of my situation..
I guess that's good, then, right?
Fucking Will Wood, making me cry more even though I thought it wasn't possible.
And the song is so perfect on so many different levels. I know it's about euthanising rats but to me it's literally how I feel and the things we say to each other. The name of the website, and the lyric of the song: "We'll meet in sweet dreams" Is because that's the only time I get to see him now. I dream of him. God I miss him so much. I just want him near me. I want to hear his voice. It really feels like he's died, and I'm mourning him. Thankfully, I know he's alright, but he's not in front. I just want to see him again, I want to feel him, I want to hear him and fucking hell, even just messaging each other is enough for now. I can't even have that?? Why??? What did I do to deserve this? if this doesn't make sense, just read below
Date: 08/2/2023 (11:55 PM)
Mood:I feel horrible. I want him. I just want him and I can't even have that.
I just want him
I fucking hate his alters I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them I hate them so fucking much they're taking him away from me I hate it I hate it i hate it I hate it.
I know it isn't their fault but I feel so awful, I feel so so so awful. I'm overwhelmed with grief. I can't see, my tears are like a veil over my eyes.
I just want to hold him, I hate this I hate this I hate this. I want him to be mine, why are they doing this.
I want to fucking hurt someone, I want to hurt myself. I hate this so so so so so so so so so much.
I want to feel pain other than this fucking sorrow. I want to fall asleep at night and not cry. I want to hold him, I want to feel him.
I just want him near me and I can't have him and I just want to feel his lips on mine again.
He messaged me at 10:17 PM, and I cannot describe the level of pure joy and excitment I felt.
He was normal, he didn't even seem to have a headache (he didn't complain of one, I mean) and he was joking and telling me he loved me and he had missed me.
And then he was going to go and eat something because he didn't knw if the alter who had fronted ate or not and I waited.
He left at 10:44 PM
and he came back at 11:18, saying he was losing front.
We said our goodbyes and I love yous.
And after I told him how I wanted to be near him, he went offline.
And I couldn't hold it in anymore. I let myself sob until I was gagging.
I love him so much. Why can't we just talk? Why can't I hold him?
Why can't I just kiss him goodnight instead of holding a plush frog and crying and praying to some almighty unseen force that he might feel my pressence as I kiss the head of the toy.
Why am I doomed to cry each night?
I feel so horrible. I just want him happy, I just want to be happy.
I wanted to talk with him until I fell asleep. I wanted to maybe call him and video call and I could fall asleep with the camera on me, maybe he'd sleep as well.
I miss him so much.
I never talk with him anymore.
I hate his fucking alters. I just want to be happy.
I miss him.
Date: 08/2/2023
Mood: Numb
I kinda want to die right now lol
He doesn't love me like I love him. I'm not even just being dramatic like usual, either. He's told me as such before. He can't feel love like I do. He can't feel it with his entire being like me. And It's horrible. It's awful. Knowing I love him more than he could ever love me is terrible. He tells me that he loves me and I know he does. But at the same time, it feels like a lie.
On the homepage it says how I feel love. It consumes me.
But he feels it like a normal person feels emotions.
I want him so badly, to be near me. It's another reason why I hated that friend of mine for starting a relationship. They and their partner are together. Roommates in a dorm. They live with eachother. They can hold eachother if they wanted to. They can kiss and hold hands and fall asleep together on the couch while watching tv. They can feel eachother's warmth. They can be comforted by one another's presence. They don't need to talk.
I just want him. And now I can't even talk to him because he's not even the host anymore. I just want his alters to go away, I want him.
Date: 08/2/2023
Mood: ineedhimineedhimineedhim
I need him.
He's part of a system and he's barely been in front and I'm so so so so scared that he's not the host anymore and his alter messaged me and said that even they don't know if they're the new host or not and they let me know that they're not kicking him out on purpose. And I feel so fucking guilty for feeling so awful. It's not his fault.
I just need him near me at all times and I'm so stupid for thinking I could make him happy. Happy enough or to experience enough to stay in front all the time. I'm so stupid. What's wrong with me? He's just so wonderful and I need him so badly. I feel so sick right now. I'm so alone without him. I have no one else. He's the only one I can speak with and feel happy around, everyone else bores me or doesn't respond fast enough. That sounds so stupid, I'm sorry. You shouldn't be reading this, but you are.
Please stop reading.
Date: 08/1/2023
Mood:horriblehorriblehorrible
Why can't I be happy?
Why is everyone so happy? Why can't I just be happy? Why is everyone happy? Someone in my friend group just got into a relationship and everyone is so happy for them and I feel so terrible. I love my boyfriend so much, I'm so happy with him but why can't he just be with me? I need him so badly, I need him close to me, I want to hold him, I miss him so much.
A part of me wishes that that friend's relationship goes horribly wrong. Why do they deserve to be happy? But they're better than me. A better person, smarter, kinder, more mature. They do deserve to be happy, they do deserve everything nice and light and fun in their lives. They deserve to be happy
And I don't.